Owning your relationships

I’ll differentiate three types today: the relationship to self, the relationship to others, and the relationship to the world at large.
Here’s the video in case you prefer that format:

Let’s start with the relationship to self.

You are the one person that you’re not going to get away from in this lifetime.

But isn’t that also beautiful? Because you got it, you get to invest all your love into yourself, knowing that it’ll be appreciated fully.

So, what does that mean to be in a relationship with yourself?

To take good care of yourself, and then to love yourself. Note that self-care and self-love are two different things. Self-care (good nutrition, hygiene, enough rest, etc.) is one part of self-love, but self-love is so much wider. So what else is there in self-love? Do you remember the five love languages from last week? There are so many ways how you can express your love towards yourself.

The most basic piece of that, and maybe also the most important one, because we do it all the time, is how you talk to yourself in your head.

Are you kind when you speak to yourself in your head? Or do you often show up as the judge, the critic? The one that’s complaining? 

All of those rules have their place, don’t get me wrong. If we were always telling ourselves how well we did when that is not true, then we wouldn’t be growing anywhere. However, can you show up kindly most of the time for yourself? And if there is critique, can you frame that in a constructive way? 

Remember how last week we talked about the four agreements? And the Marshall B. Rosenberg pattern of breaking down feedback for somebody in a way that they can take it on, digest it and do something with it? That also applies to when and how we speak to ourselves.

So, can I be kind to myself instead of knocking myself over the head for not having done the thing that I initially had planned? Can I get curious about why it didn’t happen? And then find a way to ensure the next time it will if it really mattered to me? 

And can I be really present with myself? Can I allow myself to feel what is going on? Just notice what’s going on in your body right now.

Is it cold, is it warm? Are you tense? Are you relaxed? What emotions are coming through? Just allow that to be there, just be present with it, there’s nothing to fix.

There’s nothing to fix, you’re already whole, you’re perfect.

One important point to wrap this one up, this piece of it: You don’t have to earn your own love. Make yourself own your own love.

You are so worthy, you’re the person most worthy of your own love.

You get to love yourself right now, however you are, independent of any growth or improvement goals you may have. And those are okay to have, yes, we do have that desire for expansion. Let’s honor it and let’s not make ourselves earn our own appreciation and love by telling ourselves we’d have to get `there’ first, because `there’ would always be some other place. But we can only ever live in the present moment. This moment is so precious.

Take a breath with that, and love yourself right in this very second. Just love that beautiful, beautiful soul that you are. Good.

Chapter number two: Relationship with others

You know chapter two and chapter three will come back significantly to chapter one, because the better the better you allow yourself to love yourself in chapter one, the easier it will be to do that with other people and to do that with the world at large.

Specifically for relationship to others, what is the most precious thing that you can possibly give?

Yes five love languages, I remember, but what’s at the core of all of them?

Your attention, yes. The single most valuable gift that we can give somebody is our undivided attention.

Like right now as I’m being present with you, very focused on being present with you.

I’m speaking to your heart, I’m speaking to your soul through this little device, and through the infrastructure, so that you can feel that I really mean it when you read this. How present can you be with yourself? And how present can you be with others?

And then all the other beautiful things come on top of that, the communication patterns, the love languages, the accepting somebody fully as they are.

Whichever person you’re in a relationship with, and whether that’s a romantic relationship, a friendship, a family relationship, a work relationship, doesn’t matter.

That person is a whole, divine spirit, a soul – they are perfectly lovable exactly as they are.

You know their ego layers may have a few wounds on top that sometimes get triggered. Underneath is a perfect being, a kind sweet soul that is made of pure love, and the basic desire is love. Deep down we all want to be loved.

So, can we see that in each other even when we disagree?

Can we hold space for each other as we go through our growth processes?

Can we just love each other? Despite or because of all the growth that we still have to do? The scariest thing is a perfect human – you wouldn’t feel comfortable around anybody who’s perfect, right? Because it reminds us of all of our own imperfections, so let’s just be with each other.

We’re all just walking each other home.

Third piece: Your relationship with the world at large.

That’s based on those other two, so the more present you can be with yourself and with whatever is going on with somebody else, the more you can have your attention right there with whatever is happening.

The more that will also allow you to be in the world at large with that same presence. It brings a radiance with it, it turns you magnetic – but I’m not saying this for you to use it as a tool to become magnetic. I’m saying this to make you aware of how truly magic your pure presence is to the world a lot of the time. It’s so easy to get distracted, to get sucked into our smartphones, to get sucked into our busy schedules, to get sucked into all our responsibilities and tasks and duties. Or to get sucked into our thinking mind that takes us in circles for some ruminations. All beautiful ways to not be present. Sometimes not so beautiful ways, because they make us suffer quite a bit, so how present can we be with what is going on in the world in this very moment?

Hear the birds, notice the car driving by, notice the base of the music that’s playing in the car, the bird overhead, sunlight in my eyes, the little clouds passing through, my feet on the forest ground.

All of that is super rich contextual information.

If we want to talk about it in a brainy way, all your sensory capacity gives you so much more rich information about what’s going on around you. It’ll help you tune in with your intuition way more easily. And it can help you feel at peace in your body, because when we hang out too much in our heads then it’s difficult to feel safe as our heads always look for what’s wrong. The more we can come into our bodies in the present moment and be grounded, the more we can feel safe, the more we can feel like a safe space to others, too.

Has that ever happened to you? That you’re around a person that just is centered and grounded, and you’re drawn to them to just be in their presence?

Yes, that is available to you in the very same way, just by coming home to yourself, by being in the present moment and being in the world.

Being in the world fully, maybe not entirely of the world – it’s not too attached to everything that’s going on around us. Just allowing it to happen, allowing it to come through, allowing it to help us grow and expand.

I want to invite you to sit down today at the end of the day, and do a little reflection of how present you were.

How present were you with yourself, with your own process? How kind were you with yourself, how did you love yourself today?

Second piece: How did you show up in your relationships? How did you own your relationships with others?

How present were you listening and reflecting back, just giving them your undivided attention? Not to judge yourself just to observe and notice where you’re at in this practice. And then from there to decide how to take it forward. It’s a daily practice. 

Same for your check-in with the world at large: How did you show up in the world at large? Were you present in the moment? Did you soak up all the magic around you?

And what are ways of how you might be a little more present there?

What are the ways for you to feel that magic? It comes back to the question of what makes you come alive? And feeling present in your body is one of them.

Thank you so much for sharing your time with me. Have a beautiful rest of your day – sending you much love, be well!

PS: Here’s a little new yoga practice for you this week.