Today, we talk about feedback. It’s ever present and can help you go so much deeper in your relationships (all types of relationships).
What brought the topic to my attention this week is the realisation that we can never not give feedback (unless we specifically train for that).
Three points:
1) We always give feedback, whether we want it or not. Most of the time, we will involuntary let someone know whether we like what they said or how they said it, and they can sense the energy that we carry ourselves with (which might also happen unconsciously). That happened to me yesterday when a friend who knows how to read my body language really well commented several times on his perception of what might be going on inside of me. And his observations were spot on. Let’s be conscious of it and the energy we carry ourselves with.
2) We are invited to “show up in the arena” (Teddy Roosevelt) and ask ourselves where we are being mirrored, because a lot of the time something that may irk us in another person is something we tend to do ourselves, or it shows us a place where we haven’t healed yet. So every time I give feedback, I ask myself whether I fully show up myself in the area I may be about to critique, or whether I am being mirrored something that gets triggered in me because I have an old wound there.
3) Let’s get curious about our underlying needs and how to meet them. Feedback that may not be what the other person would like to hear at a given time may be packaged way better if we can differentiate observation, impact, need, and request (Marshall Rosenberg) – instead of complaining about something.
For example, instead of me saying “I don’t like it when you leave your stuff laying around.”, I can detail that into “I see that there are three books and two composition books on the table next to your lunch box. When I see that I feel tiredness. I have a need for a cleanly living room so I can relax when I come home. Would you mind cleaning your lunchbox and putting your school utensils away?”
This simple pattern of specific observation, personal impact, stating my personal need, and specific request in my experience works wonders for shifting the day-to-day behaviours that can sometimes trigger an unnecessary quarrel. And it works for the big stuff as well as the small stuff.
Here’s the video for this week where I unpack this in a little more depth:
I refer to research by Brené Brown, Otto Scharmer, and Marshall B. Rosenbaum ?
Invite: Try out the pattern – Observation, Impact, Need, Request.
And let me know what happened ?
Have a wonderful week!
Blessings and love,
Birgit